Dean Renshaw - Freeman on the Isle Of Wight

[BoomerSooner17]

Britain has some very odd laws when it comes to the legality of twatting implements.

My steel baton emergency home defence twatting stick would be legal to possess if I'd made it before a certain date but illegal if I'd made it after a certain date... I actually made it in 1854 so I'm good... But a baseball bat or a pickaxe handle is legal to possess no matter when it was made.

Six or eight D Cell MagLites are perfectly legal and when it comes to twatting people there's none better... You can even dazzle the bugger before you cave his head in... Which reminds me... I must buy some new batteries.

They're great for power outages, both for light and for fighting off looters.

[SteveUK]

Imagine the Evil Dead, but in Footler Land. The hand keeps coming at you, waving promissory notes, affidavits, declarations and foreign, archaic law dictionaries. Its bloody, broken fingers can still search you tube for 'common law' videos......

[He Who Knows]

longdog wrote
Britain has some very odd laws when it comes to the legality of twatting implements.

My steel baton emergency home defence twatting stick would be legal to possess if I'd made it before a certain date but illegal if I'd made it after a certain date... I actually made it in 1854 so I'm good... But a baseball bat or a pickaxe handle is legal to possess no matter when it was made.

Six or eight D Cell MagLites are perfectly legal and when it comes to twatting people there's none better... You can even dazzle the bugger before you cave his head in... Which reminds me... I must buy some new batteries.

Cricket bats are rather useful and much easier to handle than croquet mallets

[TheHallouminati]

Personally I use an epee or foil, but struggle not to utter "En garde" before attacking

[Siegfried Shrink]

I have a collection of antique swordsticks. So far no burglars to test them on. It's a dull life.

[mufc1959]

I've got a cricket bat in a handy-to-reach spot signed by the 2011 Lancashire County Cricket Club Championship-winning squad.

[Gregg]

I'm strictly old school.

Attack Helicopter, inpenetrable security perimeter, Elite Dachshund guard force.

[rumpelstilzchen]

I'm strictly old school.

Attack Helicopter, inpenetrable security perimeter, Elite Dachshund guard force.

Oh....oh....oh.....getting all high and mighty eh?
Fresh fruit not good enough eh?

[longdog]

Elite Dachshund guard force.

My block is currently guarded by two whippets, a saluki, a greyhound, two dachshunds and a Jack Russell... There's only one way in and only one way out... If you survive!

[The Seventh String]

I used to dread visiting two or three clients who had Jack Russells. Persistent little things at just the right height to go for your ankles.

[longdog]

The JR is not mine I might add and while she's actually quite nice my female whippet and her hate each other with a passion. I'm in favour of letting them sort it out but the JR's owner points out that my whippet is a muscly working strain whippet and would probably kill her dog in about ten seconds... Which is fair enough.

[exiledscouser]

On the CLC website there is an update on Dean’s progression towards a legal showdown;

Date: 27th November 2018
Case Ref. 44LN0184518 REGINA V DEAN RENSHAW
Court: Isle of Wight, Magistrates Court
CPS Prosecutor Ann Smout

In the above case, the Prosecutor for the CPS confirmed that the Defendant could be either a living man or a legal fiction and that having raised the action they were required to identify the Defendant, in this case they identified the living man as the Defendant.

This information was also confirmed by the Clerk of the Court and the Magistrates; the case was then adjourned to the 7th February 2019.

The failure to identify the Defendant would have confirmed that there was no case to answer.

A diary date then.

[The Seventh String]

They identified the Living Man as the defendant when it’s only the Deceased Straw Man who has to obey statues?

Talk about injustice.

Note for Dean - it’s up to you, but if you’re thinking of using that as a “defence” be aware that winding up the judge/magistrates when you’re absolutely bang to rights and charged with an absolute offence rarely ends well.

[YiamCross]

I've got a cricket bat in a handy-to-reach spot signed by the 2011 Lancashire County Cricket Club Championship-winning squad.

I'm impressed. Must have been quiet a feat to get the Lancashire county Cricket Club Championship winning squad around to your house to sign your handy-to-reach-spot. Personally I'd have preferred a signed cricket bat but then I don't know where your handy-to-reach spot is, it may well have made the effort very worthwhile just for the memory but if you got it on video....

[mufc1959]

As I am a grammar nazi, the absence of a comma is inexcusable. I will do the honourable thing and beat myself to death with said cricket bat.

[Gregg]

You're both hereby fined 500 Quatloos for a terrible grammar joke. You can submit to Webhick's intern program or pay the clerk as you leave.

[D-C]

You're both hereby fined 500 Quatloos for a terrible grammar joke. You can submit to Webhick's intern program or pay the clerk as you leave.

What is the current conversation rate from Re to Qualoos?

[LaVidaRoja]

They don't talk to each other

[Footloose52]

What is the current conversation rate from Re to Qualoos?

If you have to ask you cannot afford it ...

[Gregg]

Pfft, your fine is hereby doubled for insolence. Everyone knows Re is a useless fiat currency and the Quatloo is the benchmark hard currency of interstellar commerce.

Bailiff, take the defendant to be flogged, and imprison his family until all fines are paid.