Real-But-Stupid News
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Real-But-Stupid News
Deep Knight is back from a smoky vacation (you think those forest fires in the Pacific Northwest keep burning by themselves?) and found this real news item about a man so stupid it sounds fake.
Arizona man wrestles rattlesnake at son's birthday party, nearly dies
Posted on September 19, 2017 at 11:12 AM
By The Washington Post
Victor Pratt knows a thing or two about rattlesnakes, as he made clear to reporters last week, after regaining consciousness in a Phoenix hospital.
Always has. He played with rattlers all the time as a child, he told NBC News 12. Later on, he learned how to cook them.
"You cut the heads off. They taste just like chicken," he said, a mic clipped to his hospital gown - a bit hard to understand because his face had swollen up.
Pratt even learned long ago what a rattler bite felt like, after a mishap as a teenager, though that of course could not compare to the incident Sept. 7, when he tried to re-create his childhood memories in his late 40s.
It was at his son's birthday party near Coolidge, outside Phoenix, he told NBC 12. They were at a lake. A rattlesnake happened along, as snakes tend to.
"I showed them how to catch it and I was playing with it like little kids do," Pratt told Fox 10.
"I was showing off," he admitted. "Like I always do."
The photos did look impressive, while the pose lasted: There was Pratt on his back in the dirt, with one end of the snake in each hand. There was Pratt on his feet, beside his son, wearing the snake like a scarf.
A close-up showed the snake's fanged agape mouth, just inches from Pratt's faded print T-shirt.
There might even have been a photo of Pratt cooking the snake, the Arizona Republic reported.
Except, not pictured, it got loose before that point in the party, and went right for Pratt's face.
And now something else he knew about snakes crossed his mind: That the venom would spread within seconds.
"I kept my mind strong," he told Fox 10. His sons drove him to a nearby emergency room, where a doctor quickly inserted a tube in his airway to keep him breathing as the poison swelled his flesh.
"There is a 100 percent chance he would have died if he'd not have made it to the hospital within minutes," said Steven Curry, who directs the department of medical toxicology at Banner-University Medical Center Phoenix, where Pratt was airlifted later that day.
"The facial swelling is so immense that even your tongue and lips and the inside of your throat swell," Curry said. "In simple terms, it would be strangulation."
Pratt was sedated and in shock when Curry first saw him. He remained unconscious for several days, as doctors treated him with the first of what would eventually be 28 vials of antivenin.
Curry's department sees about 70 snake bite patients each year, he said. And while facial bites are rare, men like Pratt who fancy themselves snake charmers are not.
"In my career, and I've been doing this for about 35 years or so, I've only seen one illegitimate snake bite in a woman," he said, meaning a bite in which the victim saw the snake and didn't try to escape.
"We find they are far too intelligent to go messing around."
As for Pratt, he woke up from his sedation last week and entertained reporters while waiting to be discharged from the hospital, which was expected to happen Monday.
He struggled to get his words out through his bloated cheeks, but was not so proud that he couldn't admit a deficiency in his lifelong knowledge of the snake.
"Think before you go out there and play with rattlesnakes," he told Fox 10 late last week. "You might not make it next time."
Arizona man wrestles rattlesnake at son's birthday party, nearly dies
Posted on September 19, 2017 at 11:12 AM
By The Washington Post
Victor Pratt knows a thing or two about rattlesnakes, as he made clear to reporters last week, after regaining consciousness in a Phoenix hospital.
Always has. He played with rattlers all the time as a child, he told NBC News 12. Later on, he learned how to cook them.
"You cut the heads off. They taste just like chicken," he said, a mic clipped to his hospital gown - a bit hard to understand because his face had swollen up.
Pratt even learned long ago what a rattler bite felt like, after a mishap as a teenager, though that of course could not compare to the incident Sept. 7, when he tried to re-create his childhood memories in his late 40s.
It was at his son's birthday party near Coolidge, outside Phoenix, he told NBC 12. They were at a lake. A rattlesnake happened along, as snakes tend to.
"I showed them how to catch it and I was playing with it like little kids do," Pratt told Fox 10.
"I was showing off," he admitted. "Like I always do."
The photos did look impressive, while the pose lasted: There was Pratt on his back in the dirt, with one end of the snake in each hand. There was Pratt on his feet, beside his son, wearing the snake like a scarf.
A close-up showed the snake's fanged agape mouth, just inches from Pratt's faded print T-shirt.
There might even have been a photo of Pratt cooking the snake, the Arizona Republic reported.
Except, not pictured, it got loose before that point in the party, and went right for Pratt's face.
And now something else he knew about snakes crossed his mind: That the venom would spread within seconds.
"I kept my mind strong," he told Fox 10. His sons drove him to a nearby emergency room, where a doctor quickly inserted a tube in his airway to keep him breathing as the poison swelled his flesh.
"There is a 100 percent chance he would have died if he'd not have made it to the hospital within minutes," said Steven Curry, who directs the department of medical toxicology at Banner-University Medical Center Phoenix, where Pratt was airlifted later that day.
"The facial swelling is so immense that even your tongue and lips and the inside of your throat swell," Curry said. "In simple terms, it would be strangulation."
Pratt was sedated and in shock when Curry first saw him. He remained unconscious for several days, as doctors treated him with the first of what would eventually be 28 vials of antivenin.
Curry's department sees about 70 snake bite patients each year, he said. And while facial bites are rare, men like Pratt who fancy themselves snake charmers are not.
"In my career, and I've been doing this for about 35 years or so, I've only seen one illegitimate snake bite in a woman," he said, meaning a bite in which the victim saw the snake and didn't try to escape.
"We find they are far too intelligent to go messing around."
As for Pratt, he woke up from his sedation last week and entertained reporters while waiting to be discharged from the hospital, which was expected to happen Monday.
He struggled to get his words out through his bloated cheeks, but was not so proud that he couldn't admit a deficiency in his lifelong knowledge of the snake.
"Think before you go out there and play with rattlesnakes," he told Fox 10 late last week. "You might not make it next time."
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Reminds me of a neighbour across the street when I was a kid. He decided to do a spectacualar stunt for his son's birthday, blow fire, something he knew nothing about. So he stood at the top of the back steps, filled his mouth with some volatile substance, lit a match and spewed it out. Except instead of spitting it out in a jet he coughed and it all exploded right in front of his face covering his head in a momentary ball of fire. He ran screaming back into the house to extinguish his burning hair in the bathroom. He was lucky. He had what appeared to be the world's worst sunburn and lost a lot of hair but nothing serious. Since he was perennially unemployed he didn't even have to explain what happened at work. I believe he was drunk at the time, he generally was.
Sixty years later I still get a laugh by picturing it, the sudden explosion and the screaming retreat. Best birthday party I ever attended.
Sixty years later I still get a laugh by picturing it, the sudden explosion and the screaming retreat. Best birthday party I ever attended.
"Yes Burnaby49, I do in fact believe all process servers are peace officers. I've good reason to believe so." Robert Menard in his May 28, 2015 video "Process Servers".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Definitely Darwin Award material.
The fact that you sincerely and wholeheartedly believe that the “Law of Gravity” is unconstitutional and a violation of your sovereign rights, does not absolve you of adherence to it.
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
But not really, both of these idiots survived. And in one case, have already fathered children.notorial dissent wrote:Definitely Darwin Award material.
But whether or not they qualify for the Darwin Award is beside the point. What does any of this have to do with NESARA packies? Or DEET extermination campaigns? Or Deep Knight getting together for huggles and snuggles with Orly? There has to be a link somewhere, otherwise we are going to get another Deep Knight Tale about this true but stupid event.
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"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
I'm willing to endure another Deep Knight Adventure if it's about his huggies and snuggies with Orly. She's disappeared right off the radar and it will take DK to bring her back!.
"Yes Burnaby49, I do in fact believe all process servers are peace officers. I've good reason to believe so." Robert Menard in his May 28, 2015 video "Process Servers".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Ewww, and besides he doesn't have his own dental chair.
The fact that you sincerely and wholeheartedly believe that the “Law of Gravity” is unconstitutional and a violation of your sovereign rights, does not absolve you of adherence to it.
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
As far as you know. Where do you thing the idea for the dental scene in Marathon Man came from?notorial dissent wrote:Ewww, and besides he doesn't have his own dental chair.
"Yes Burnaby49, I do in fact believe all process servers are peace officers. I've good reason to believe so." Robert Menard in his May 28, 2015 video "Process Servers".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
That's just scary, and how did you know Orly sounded like Arnie?
The fact that you sincerely and wholeheartedly believe that the “Law of Gravity” is unconstitutional and a violation of your sovereign rights, does not absolve you of adherence to it.
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Not the Running Man;notorial dissent wrote:That's just scary, and how did you know Orly sounded like Arnie?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Runni ... 1987_film)
The Marathon Man;
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marathon_Man_(film)
I was referring to this scene;
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_ ... tist+scene
Where Lawrence Olivier straps Dusting Hoffman down and plays dentist without the anesthetic.
Really ND, I previously had to correct you on the dialogue in the Four Musketeers and now you're mixing up a Schwarzenegger cartoon with a movie which had a best supporting actor Oscar nomination and won a Golden Globe.
"Yes Burnaby49, I do in fact believe all process servers are peace officers. I've good reason to believe so." Robert Menard in his May 28, 2015 video "Process Servers".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Heavens to mergatroid, that was over five years ago - and ND had the basic essence of the quote. Talk about taking a grudge too far...Burnaby49 wrote:Really ND, I previously had to correct you on the dialogue in the Four Musketeers...
"I could be dead wrong on this" - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Marathon Man was a creepy movie I saw with my girlfriend when it came out. She thought it was about actual running, not something metaphorical. And certainly not anything to do with a Nazi dentist. Which is similar to things I could say about Orly.
The crazed Alt-Right Dentist is big on our current administration and its efforts, and this takes up most of her website. For example, right now on top is:
The crazed Alt-Right Dentist is big on our current administration and its efforts, and this takes up most of her website. For example, right now on top is:
But this doesn't mean she doesn't still go off the tracks in her trademark way.The vote on Graham-Cassidy Obamacare repeal is planned for next Wednesday, September 27th, three days before the September 30 guideline. Call Paul, Collins, Murkowski and McCain, demand they vote YES
Posted on | September 19, 2017 | 2 Comments
Worst movie of the century? That's a high, er, low bar!Jennifer Lawrence Movie Gets ‘F Grade’, ‘Worst Movie of the Century’ – One Week After Trashing Trump Voters
Posted on | September 16, 2017
Hah-Hah! Jennifer Lawrence Movie Gets ‘F Grade’, ‘Worst Movie of the Century’ – One Week After Trashing Trump Voters
Hollywood Hack Jennifer Lawrence got a nice dose of karma after trashing Trump supporters in a T.V. interview last week. She claimed the recent hurricanes slamming the United States are the fault of Trump voters because they don’t believe in man-made climate change.
Fast forward one week later and her movie ‘Mother!’ gets an ‘F grade’ and is now being reported as perhaps the worst movie of the century.
LOL
Jennifer Lawrence’s new movie ‘Mother!’ raked in $7.8 million to start and scored a rare ‘F grade’ from CinemaScore audiences on Friday night. In other words it was a box office flop.
Rex Reed absolutely slammed ‘Mother!’ in the Observer calling it the worst movie of the century.
Reed had some colorful words to describe just how bad this Jennifer Lawrence movie is. As Reed wrote in the Observer:
This delusional freak show is two hours of pretentious twaddle that tackles religion, paranoia, lust, rebellion, and a thirst for blood in a circus of grotesque debauchery to prove that being a woman requires emotional sacrifice and physical agony at the cost of everything else in life, including life itself.
Although you will spend most of the painful, torturous and stressful two hours it takes to survive mother! trying to figure out what it’s all about, I advise you to ignore the reviews entirely and make up your own fantasy.
Reed saved the best for last because his conclusion was the icing on the cake.
Nothing about mother! makes one lick of sense as Darren Aronofsky’s corny vision of madness turns more hilarious than scary. With so much crap around to clog the drain, I hesitate to label it the “Worst movie of the year” when “Worst movie of the century” fits it even better.
There is something so satisfying about seeing a Hollywood elitist get served after attacking ordinary Americans. Enjoy your box office flop Jennifer Lawrence!
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While on vacation, I used a hotel computer to check e-mails. Where the "cookie ads" are, and I've been getting "Trip Advisor" stuff at home, was a short (couple minutes?) video about picking up "babes." It had a chorus going "oooohhh," much like that used for the monolith scenes in 2001, and no narration, but after a fog becoming pictures of beautiful women in scanty clothing, text came up that said something like "I have 2 or 3 babes like this every week ... and I'm not even good looking ... I could have 2 or 3 a day if I wanted, and sometimes do!" Anyway, the video went on, over more desirable babe pictures, to briefly explain how he does this with 3 words that are neurolinguistically linked in all women's heads to desire, surrender, and body fluids. They didn't actually tell you what these 3 words were, of course, but if you simply clicked on the "how stupid do you think I am clickbait" link you could find out!
2 or 3 "babes" a day? Trending towards a Deep-Knight-like statement, but it doesn't go far enough! In fact, neither do 2 or 3 an hour, or even minute! If it's not a number so large it's ludicrous, it's simply not in my league! The whole Deep Knight shtick is from a combination of the conspiracy-prosperity types using impossibly large numbers, and the 60's movie secret-agent-as-a-sex-machine thing. That this leads to descriptions of supermodels waiting in long lines to get loaded on a conveyor belt into my bedroom for a few second encounter (which I consider hilarious, supermodels would demand a full minute, minimum!), is simply comic gravy.
BTW, searching for "3 words that make women want you" I found these the text says you can "innocently work into the conversation." And yes, I know it's more than 3.
Come
Worked up
Hard
Handle
Wet
Taste
I don't know about you, but I'm going to go our right now and say, "How come it's so hard to get worked up when you taste a wet handle?" to some supermodel and see what happens!
2 or 3 "babes" a day? Trending towards a Deep-Knight-like statement, but it doesn't go far enough! In fact, neither do 2 or 3 an hour, or even minute! If it's not a number so large it's ludicrous, it's simply not in my league! The whole Deep Knight shtick is from a combination of the conspiracy-prosperity types using impossibly large numbers, and the 60's movie secret-agent-as-a-sex-machine thing. That this leads to descriptions of supermodels waiting in long lines to get loaded on a conveyor belt into my bedroom for a few second encounter (which I consider hilarious, supermodels would demand a full minute, minimum!), is simply comic gravy.
BTW, searching for "3 words that make women want you" I found these the text says you can "innocently work into the conversation." And yes, I know it's more than 3.
Come
Worked up
Hard
Handle
Wet
Taste
I don't know about you, but I'm going to go our right now and say, "How come it's so hard to get worked up when you taste a wet handle?" to some supermodel and see what happens!
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I am betting that she hits you so hard in the stomach with a handle that you are going to be tasting all that worked-up wet stuff that came up your esophagus.Deep Knight wrote: don't know about you, but I'm going to go our right now and say, "How come it's so hard to get worked up when you taste a wet handle?" to some supermodel and see what happens!
"I could be dead wrong on this" - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Just off the top of my head: Battlefield Earth, Gigli, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, I Know Who Killed Me, Love Guru, From Justin to Kelly, Movie 43, Jack and Jill. I'm pretty sure those are all 2000/2001 or later.Deep Knight wrote: Worst movie of the century? That's a high, er, low bar!
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Even more real-but stupid news, courtesy of Alex Jones' Infowars website. Yeah, I know what you are saying - it can't be real news, not on that site! But it is and it is the best kind of news: Illuminati news. And not even Illuminati fake news, but fake Illuminati news!
So who was there?
Well, first off, there was Lucifer, expanding his sexual horizons by appearing in a gender-bender outfit and proving that the devil does not have to wear Prada:
A good presentation or show always requires a bold declaration of Illuminati symbolism, even if it clashes with the stained glass windows:
Mrs. Deep Knight put in a surprise appearance with her version of "There can only be one!" in a definite eye-catching Highlander outfit dyed in sacrificial blood and complete with sharp metal edges sticking out all over :
And last but not least, DK himself dropped in with his latest attempt to convince the rest of us that he is ready to be the High Priest of the Illuminati by showing off this little number he whipped up at the last second:
Unfortunately, DK's style of couture did not catch on with the fashion critics present. One reviewer described his ensemble as "...[L]ooking as though Mr. Knight had rescued a leftover Halloween costume from the trash bin behind his local Kmart." Another felt that the outfit was "...[S]imply a statement of sulk, swish, and sweat, warmed over in a low-watt microwave oven and then applied to his body with a jack hammer." And one reviewer admitted she was confused: "I can't make up my mind if this is just a bad dream or its somebody in Budget's idea to pressure us into giving back our bonuses from last year."
For the rest of the show and pics, you can see them here.
That's right, a black mass and fashion show held in a Catholic church. You don't get that kind of news every day - or even that kind of a fashion show!ILLUMINATI-THEMED FASHION SHOW HELD AT LONDON CATHOLIC CHURCH
St. Andrews Church used as location for black mass fashion show
So who was there?
Well, first off, there was Lucifer, expanding his sexual horizons by appearing in a gender-bender outfit and proving that the devil does not have to wear Prada:
A good presentation or show always requires a bold declaration of Illuminati symbolism, even if it clashes with the stained glass windows:
Mrs. Deep Knight put in a surprise appearance with her version of "There can only be one!" in a definite eye-catching Highlander outfit dyed in sacrificial blood and complete with sharp metal edges sticking out all over :
And last but not least, DK himself dropped in with his latest attempt to convince the rest of us that he is ready to be the High Priest of the Illuminati by showing off this little number he whipped up at the last second:
Unfortunately, DK's style of couture did not catch on with the fashion critics present. One reviewer described his ensemble as "...[L]ooking as though Mr. Knight had rescued a leftover Halloween costume from the trash bin behind his local Kmart." Another felt that the outfit was "...[S]imply a statement of sulk, swish, and sweat, warmed over in a low-watt microwave oven and then applied to his body with a jack hammer." And one reviewer admitted she was confused: "I can't make up my mind if this is just a bad dream or its somebody in Budget's idea to pressure us into giving back our bonuses from last year."
For the rest of the show and pics, you can see them here.
"I could be dead wrong on this" - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Lies, lies, some more lies, and a final heaping helping of lies! Let me correct the captions on your images:
Top: Not "Lucifer" (Satan HATES to be called that, it comes from being teased as "Lucy" when he was a kid) but his wife Gladys. Note the size of the horns. Also, it's not a church but an underage slave auction at Comet Ping Pong, you can see a gilded pizza slice in the background.
Next: This is actually the runway and stage at a handicapped fashion show (note the crutches on stage). We sued them for using our trademarked "all seeing eye," and won (naturally, the judge was "one of ours")!
Even More Next: Not the ravishing Mrs. Knight, if anything it's some wanna-be Slice Girl at the fashion show above. Sort of reminds me of a less-cute Scottie Slice, one of the second cloned batch, who we never re-cloned because the rest of the girls found the smell when she re-heated haggis for lunch nauseating.
Last: Yeah sure, like I would ever do that to my hair. This, of course, is the award-winning designer Reverend Zombie, whose boutique "House of VooDoo" is the toast of the New Orleans fashion scene.
Top: Not "Lucifer" (Satan HATES to be called that, it comes from being teased as "Lucy" when he was a kid) but his wife Gladys. Note the size of the horns. Also, it's not a church but an underage slave auction at Comet Ping Pong, you can see a gilded pizza slice in the background.
Next: This is actually the runway and stage at a handicapped fashion show (note the crutches on stage). We sued them for using our trademarked "all seeing eye," and won (naturally, the judge was "one of ours")!
Even More Next: Not the ravishing Mrs. Knight, if anything it's some wanna-be Slice Girl at the fashion show above. Sort of reminds me of a less-cute Scottie Slice, one of the second cloned batch, who we never re-cloned because the rest of the girls found the smell when she re-heated haggis for lunch nauseating.
Last: Yeah sure, like I would ever do that to my hair. This, of course, is the award-winning designer Reverend Zombie, whose boutique "House of VooDoo" is the toast of the New Orleans fashion scene.
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No, no, no, you still are behind the times and the recent memo. We don't use the label "lies" anymore. It's "fake news"; please check your latest edition of "Illuminati Style Handbook and Propraganda."Deep Knight wrote:Lies, lies, some more lies, and a final heaping helping of lies!
No, there is no such person known as "Gladysfer" or even "Gladys" within the 9 circles of Hell.Deep Knight wrote:...but his wife Gladys
Who ever said anything about you doing that to your hair? Listen, there are consequences to staying out all night with Slice Girls.Yeah sure, like I would ever do that to my hair.
"I could be dead wrong on this" - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
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Gladysfer? You better hope The Evil One's even-eviler-yet-better half doesn't get wind of your disturbing lack of belief. I would post another picture, but Mrs. Satan thinks "the camera makes her look fat" and I'm not one to willingly court disaster.The Observer wrote:No, there is no such person known as "Gladysfer" or even "Gladys" within the 9 circles of Hell.Deep Knight wrote:...but his wife Gladys
Also, you're WAY behind the times with there being only 9 circles of Hell. That was in Dante's time (14th century) and there's been a whole lot of damned souls in need of affordable housing since then. According to Hell's urban planners (like you call that sprawl "planned"), there are now 35 circles of hell, with a new development "Infernal Hills" and associated shopping mall opening in October.
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There has been a lot of understandable confusion about Satan's family life here. The Big Guy doesn't say too much about his family out of both embarrassment and to make it easier to play a bachelor in bars. But, it's time for the truth to be told, and who better to tell it than a tattletaler?
First of all, it's important to know some history. Satan isn't actually a demon, despite what they say, he's a fallen angel. Back in the day he sat at the right hand of God and had the title "Light Bringer" ("Lucifer" in some dead language). They didn't know about the dangers of smoking back in those days. Anyway, he became associated with the morning star, developed a swelled head because he came before the sun on those days when he did, and got more air time on cable news. There was the rebellion and war, which he and his supporters lost of course. Kind of hard to win when your opponent is omnipotent (Duh! Satan was never the sharpest tool in the shed). He and his boys and girls got damned to Hell, fallen angels all.
Demons are manifestations of evil, and while they had Satan's wings, horn, and tail, are second class citizens in hell. They are both male and female, the later type including the seductive Incubi (Incubuses) and Succubi (Succubuses). They spend most of their time tormenting evil souls, which of course means no getting past 2nd base. Ever. For eternity. Which explains my lack of intimate knowledge.
Despite what you may have heard, Angels, fallen or otherwise, have genitalia. The good angels, with a couple of exceptions, had small ones, and the fallen angels bigger ones, which wasn't a coincidence. Anyway, Satan was married when he was in God's good graces, to Angelyne, who followed him into exile. The stress became too much for their relationship, and she left him to spend a disappointing life trying to get into the movies by splashing her boobs all over Hollywood.
Satan had a couple of short-lived marriages after that. It's hard to keep a relationship whole when one of the parties is The Father of All Lies and Wandering PeePees. A couple of "accidents" ended those unions without having to wait for residency to be established at an expensive dude ranch in Reno. Then Gladys and he met on a blind date. Both like to lie and say they were "sweethearts from high school," but in truth they knew-but-didn't-like-each-other in high school, Satan being a goody two-shoes before his fall, and Gladys being both a mean, bad, and fast girl. But they sure hit it off on that first date, Satan on the rebound and Gladys being a scruple-free gold digger who was ready, willing, and able to close the deal right there in the restaurant's parking lot. Which was a mistake. Even though Satan's sedan was roomy, it still wasn't enough given the horns, and the interior was ruined. But wild, uninhibited, and nasty was just was he needed at that time, and one thing led to another. After one night swinging off the chandeliers and doing it "porcupine style," they ended up at the magistrate's office just as it opened, had the mayor wave the blood test, and found themselves married.
As for children, the big guy has had hundreds. Most outside of unholy matrimony, Satan's parts having a tendency to stray and Gladys' parts having given out after a couple dozen girls. In fact, they're all girls. Satan lies and tells people that, like Jesus, he was the result of a virgin birth and doesn't have a Y chromosome, resulting in all XX girls. In reality he has one, but it's a goat Y chromosome, which explains the horns, beard, tail and cloven hooves. He likes to pretend that, like demons, these are simply a manifestation of evil, but I've seen his high school yearbook and he had them before he "turned." A chromosome that probably doesn't "pass on" well, resulting in all girls. You might think it strange God favored him with those attributes, but all of the angels look kinda squirrely when it comes down to brass tacks. Not at all like the hunks portrayed in soft-core illustrated bibles, but more like the statues made by ancient Babylonians, who knew them first-hand.
Bad enough the bullet-headed dude had to "do it" with a babe who looked like that, but why did they have to share it by having a sculpture capture the double fork foreplay in bas relief? No accounting for taste. Anyway, I've known several of Satan's daughters a little too well, which I don't need to go into here (that's done enough around the water cooler at work). I can only say that it wasn't my fault, girls with prehensile tails are irresistible. Anyway, the official daughters I can remember are: Abaddonna, Abduxuel, Aeshma, Azanigin, Baalzephonna, Bast, Bobby-Sue, Caacrinola, Demoriel, Hecate, Kasdeya, Metztli, Proserpine, Rakshasa, Rimmonna, Ronwenna, Sabazios, Sedit, Shiva, Tunrida, Verdelette, and of course last but not least Zabulonia. "Not least" being an understatement, believe you me (probably plastic surgery).
Gladys ("Gladdie" to her friends when she's in a good mood) is both real and terrifying to most men. But I'm not most men, as most women know in the biblical sense. So there's the straight poop, do with it what you will.
First of all, it's important to know some history. Satan isn't actually a demon, despite what they say, he's a fallen angel. Back in the day he sat at the right hand of God and had the title "Light Bringer" ("Lucifer" in some dead language). They didn't know about the dangers of smoking back in those days. Anyway, he became associated with the morning star, developed a swelled head because he came before the sun on those days when he did, and got more air time on cable news. There was the rebellion and war, which he and his supporters lost of course. Kind of hard to win when your opponent is omnipotent (Duh! Satan was never the sharpest tool in the shed). He and his boys and girls got damned to Hell, fallen angels all.
Demons are manifestations of evil, and while they had Satan's wings, horn, and tail, are second class citizens in hell. They are both male and female, the later type including the seductive Incubi (Incubuses) and Succubi (Succubuses). They spend most of their time tormenting evil souls, which of course means no getting past 2nd base. Ever. For eternity. Which explains my lack of intimate knowledge.
Despite what you may have heard, Angels, fallen or otherwise, have genitalia. The good angels, with a couple of exceptions, had small ones, and the fallen angels bigger ones, which wasn't a coincidence. Anyway, Satan was married when he was in God's good graces, to Angelyne, who followed him into exile. The stress became too much for their relationship, and she left him to spend a disappointing life trying to get into the movies by splashing her boobs all over Hollywood.
Satan had a couple of short-lived marriages after that. It's hard to keep a relationship whole when one of the parties is The Father of All Lies and Wandering PeePees. A couple of "accidents" ended those unions without having to wait for residency to be established at an expensive dude ranch in Reno. Then Gladys and he met on a blind date. Both like to lie and say they were "sweethearts from high school," but in truth they knew-but-didn't-like-each-other in high school, Satan being a goody two-shoes before his fall, and Gladys being both a mean, bad, and fast girl. But they sure hit it off on that first date, Satan on the rebound and Gladys being a scruple-free gold digger who was ready, willing, and able to close the deal right there in the restaurant's parking lot. Which was a mistake. Even though Satan's sedan was roomy, it still wasn't enough given the horns, and the interior was ruined. But wild, uninhibited, and nasty was just was he needed at that time, and one thing led to another. After one night swinging off the chandeliers and doing it "porcupine style," they ended up at the magistrate's office just as it opened, had the mayor wave the blood test, and found themselves married.
As for children, the big guy has had hundreds. Most outside of unholy matrimony, Satan's parts having a tendency to stray and Gladys' parts having given out after a couple dozen girls. In fact, they're all girls. Satan lies and tells people that, like Jesus, he was the result of a virgin birth and doesn't have a Y chromosome, resulting in all XX girls. In reality he has one, but it's a goat Y chromosome, which explains the horns, beard, tail and cloven hooves. He likes to pretend that, like demons, these are simply a manifestation of evil, but I've seen his high school yearbook and he had them before he "turned." A chromosome that probably doesn't "pass on" well, resulting in all girls. You might think it strange God favored him with those attributes, but all of the angels look kinda squirrely when it comes down to brass tacks. Not at all like the hunks portrayed in soft-core illustrated bibles, but more like the statues made by ancient Babylonians, who knew them first-hand.
Bad enough the bullet-headed dude had to "do it" with a babe who looked like that, but why did they have to share it by having a sculpture capture the double fork foreplay in bas relief? No accounting for taste. Anyway, I've known several of Satan's daughters a little too well, which I don't need to go into here (that's done enough around the water cooler at work). I can only say that it wasn't my fault, girls with prehensile tails are irresistible. Anyway, the official daughters I can remember are: Abaddonna, Abduxuel, Aeshma, Azanigin, Baalzephonna, Bast, Bobby-Sue, Caacrinola, Demoriel, Hecate, Kasdeya, Metztli, Proserpine, Rakshasa, Rimmonna, Ronwenna, Sabazios, Sedit, Shiva, Tunrida, Verdelette, and of course last but not least Zabulonia. "Not least" being an understatement, believe you me (probably plastic surgery).
Gladys ("Gladdie" to her friends when she's in a good mood) is both real and terrifying to most men. But I'm not most men, as most women know in the biblical sense. So there's the straight poop, do with it what you will.
"Follow the Money"
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- Conde de Quatloo
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Re: Real-But-Stupid News
Have you seen the TV show Lucifer? Its actually quite good, I think you'd like it. (The Boss made me watch it, and give it a good review on Amazon Instant Video)
Supreme Commander of The Imperial Illuminati Air Force
Your concern is duly noted, filed, folded, stamped, sealed with wax and affixed with a thumbprint in red ink, forgotten, recalled, considered, reconsidered, appealed, denied and quietly ignored.
Your concern is duly noted, filed, folded, stamped, sealed with wax and affixed with a thumbprint in red ink, forgotten, recalled, considered, reconsidered, appealed, denied and quietly ignored.