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Adventures with Birds
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
09/04/02 10:33PM >>>
FROM THE DESK OF DR. ELVIS ANYIM.
PROCURMENT MANAGER AND FINANCIAL CONTROLLER
N. N. P. C
l am DR. ELVIS ANYIM, the Procurment Manager
and Financial Controller of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation
(NNPC). Because of my position and that of other strategic officials
who are heads in their departments, we have in our possession,
since 1997 the sum of US$800M Dolllars (Eight hundred million
United States Dollars) which we emassed through over invoicing
of foreign contracts fully executed and commissioned with the
different foreign contractors duely paid their full contract amounts.
We have made several fruitless moves to transfer this fund abroad
for our mutual benefits. One in 1998 when one Mr. John Miller
of the United States of America, living at No 10, West 54thStreet,
New York, ran away with our US$65M Dollars after the fund has
been transfered into his account.ltwas unbelievable, shocking
and hypertensive that when we went there to claim our share of
the fund, we were told that nobody with that name was living in
that house and that the former occupier of the flat moved away
few weeks ago to an unkown house. This is how we lost US$65M Dollars
to the heartless John Miller.
The second attempt was when in 1999, we decided to carry US$80M
dollars in cash through the Lagos lnternational Airportbut was
stopped by the Nigerian Custom Officers who seized the fund till
today. This is how we lost another US$80M Dollars to the Nigerian
Custom. Following the peaceful life ushered in by the current
democratic dispensation in Nigeria, l and my colleages have decided
to transfer the sum of US$28.5M (twenty eight million five hundred
thousand united states dollars) into a foreign account operated
by a foreigner for our mutual benefits. By this letter, l request
your assistance in transferring and safeguarding the sum of US$28.5M
Dollars for our mutual benefits.
For assisting us in transferring and safeguarding this fund, you
will be entitled to 35% of the total sum 5% will be setaside for
charity and philantropic purposes 57% belongs to me and my colleagues
while 3% will go for reimbursement of all expenses made by both
parties. However,l want you to be human and humane so that you
do not become this second John Miller of the United States. lt
is imperative to note that this transaction is riskfree as all
modalities for the successful transfer of this fund have been
perfected by my colleagues in the relevant ministries.
However, we should see absolute confidentiality as our watchword
throughout the course of this transaction for we are civil servants
and will equally not like the 1999 event to redramatise itself.
l will not be grateful if you can urgently furnish me with your
private telephone, fax and mobile numbers and name of beneficiary
with the telex numbers of the receiving bank. These will enable
us speed up the claim of the fund and eventual transfer into yournominated
account.
Looking forward to hear from you soonest.
Regards,
DR. ELVIS ANYIM.
_____________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
Hypertensive indeed to have some scoundrel make off with your
stolen money!!! Sometimes people have no morals at all. As an
American, let me be the first to apologize for this swine John
Miller who obviously does not honor a basic tenet of our human
existence - that thieves shalt not steal from other thieves.
Anyway, I may be interested in your business proposition, but
let me tell you that as a very successful goat rancher and dental
floss manufacturer I only conduct serious business matters face-to-face.
Please tell me more about your proposal. Perhaps we can meet in
some neutral country to finalize our plans. I assure you that
your experience with me will be entirely different than that you
endured with the evil and foul-smelling John Miller.
Brad Christensen
________________________
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
09/13/02 03:11PM >>>
Attn.: Brad Christensen,
Sir,
Following our discussion of yesterday and your
desire for both of us to meet prior to the conclusion of the transaction,
note that I have reviewed the possibility of this bearing in mind
the schedule and demand of this transaction. Finally, I have come
out with this option.
I am proposing that we meet in Accra, the capital
city of Ghana. I proposed Accra, Ghana for the following reasons.
Firstly, Ghana is a member of the Economic Community
of West Africa States (ECOWAS), within ECOWAS citizens enjoys
free movement. Therefore, I can afford to take a day or two days
off and travel to meet with you without needing to apply for official
annual leave or processing Visa to travel. Actually, I have chosen
to apply for my official leave when the fund is in your account
to meet with you in your country for the sharing of the fund and
for business discussions.
On your part, Accra, Ghana is a tourist country
and you can procure Visa to that country very easily and fast
on tourist grounds.
Review this proposal and send me your travel
schedule as quickly as possible.
Best regards to you and your family.
Dr. Elvis Anyim.
_________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
This sounds like an exciting proposition, but I had a cousin
who visited Accra and he absolutely hated it. He recommends equatorial
Guinea, which he says is lovely this time of year. He also suggests
Nouakchott, Mauritania, but I tell him that's ridiculous because
it's too hard to spell. The Canary Islands, off the coast of Western
Sahara, seem nice and we could always take a break during our
meeting to do some bird watching. What are your suggested alternatives
to Accra?
Brad Christensen
_________________________
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
09/16/02 10:32AM >>>
Dear Brad,
Thanks for you email. I am very unlikely to
make it to the countries you suggested due to protocol related
problems. However, I suggested that you choose between Cotonou,
the capital of Republic of Benin and Lome, the capital of Togo.
These cities equally have beautiful and attractive tourist centers.
Thanks for the usual co-operation.
Regards to you and your family.
Dr. Elvis Anyim
_________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
As an avid bird watcher and sophisticated connoisseur of bird
recipes, I so wanted to hold our meeting in the Canary Islands.
However, Lome or Cotonou will have to do, I suppose. Can you please
tell me whether either has crows or very large canaries that are
available for photographing and eating? It is absolutely wonderful
to eat crow. You should try it some time. In case you are unfamiliar
with these two species of bird, I have attached photos.
Please let me know whether Lome or Cotonou has the most abundant
supply of these birds. While I have been extremely busy moving
to a new doublewide with twin Port-O-Sans, I am eager to schedule
a flight as soon as possible so we can explore our tremendous
business opportunity and also take the time to marvel at the wonders
of the bird kingdom.
Brad Christensen
______________________
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
09/17/02 10:46AM >>>
Dear Brad Christensen,
Thanks for your last mail.
I must admit that I am not that knowledge about
birds. However, I certainly know that there are numerous variations
of birds in Africa, especially in Lome or Cotonou. I sincerely
look forward to meeting you and getting to learn one or two wonderful
things about birds from you.
Please, make your travelling arrangement immediately
and give me your flight schedule as well as your hotel reservation.
I look forward to receiving this information
soonest.
Best regards to you and your family.
Dr. Elvis Anyim.
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
I consider this a chance in a lifetime for me, both financially
and in terms of bird watching and eating. That is why the location
of our meeting is so critical. Please let me know as soon as possible
if you have seen any of the attached birds in Cotonou or Lome.
The last species pictured is particularly flavorful, albeit quite
tough to chew due to the fossilization process. Once I hear from
you on this I finally will be prepared to decide our meeting location.
Thanks for your patience.
Brad
Brad Christensen
________________________________
Dear Brad,
I hereby confirm that there are Canaries and
other species of birds in Cotonou and Lome. Please make your travel
arrangement immediately and get back to me.
Thanks God bless.
Yours truly,
Dr. Elvis ANyim
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
So glad you are able to confirm that large canaries exist in
Lome and Cotonou. I am in Orlando, Florida this week stalking
storks and will return to the office on Monday. I will schedule
my flight at that time. First, however, I will need to purchase
the necessary bird watching and eating equipment, including binoculars,
a net, a Daisy BB gun and a skillet.
Brad
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
I have investigated flights and found that there is one that
departs Phoenix this Friday, Oct. 4, at 10:02 a.m. and arrives
in Lome, Togo on Saturday, Oct. 5, at 4:40 p.m. It is Air France
Flight 852. The price, at $2,601.80, is not very expensive, but
still I would prefer assurances from you before I purchase a ticket.
First I need to know that your offer is a completely legitimate
business proposition.
Second, and equally if not of greater importance, I need to receive
your personal guarantee that there are giant canaries and flying
pterosaurs in the Lome region. Since I will be packing a 20-lb
bag of bird seed, binoculars, a brand new BB gun and a cast-iron
skillet, I must be assured that all my equipment will be put to
good use. I am so looking forward to admiring with wonder and
amazement my first pterosaur in the wild. And once I bag it with
my trusty Daisy, I'll let you help me de-bone it and chip off
any fossilization. Then we'll fry it up for a great meal. Thanks
in advance for your prompt response.
Brad Christensen
________________________________
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
09/26/02 06:21AM >>>
Dear Brad,
What is happening. We have no time for delay.
Regards.
Elvis
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
Indeed, what is happening? I have sent you a flight schedule along
with important questions that need to be answered and have not
received a reply. Time is running short if I am to schedule a
flight for Oct. 4.
Brad Christensen
________________________________
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
10/07/02 11:45AM >>>
I am very sorry for getting back to you. I
was away to the Eastern State of Nigeria on official assignments.
I came back only some hours ago.
I made some enquiries regarding where we can
get those birds you are talking of. I was reliably informed that
we can see many of those stuff in Accra - Ghana. Ghana by the
way is a neighbouring country to Lome and Togo.
I am now ready to go down to Ghana once you
confirm to me your flight tickets and let it be this week because
you can still arrange yourself before this Friday.
Please on receipt of this mail, call me on my
cell phone 234-8033133163 or 234-1-4719454. If I did not get to
hear from you from now till tomorrow afternoon, I will call you
on the phone number you gave me. Please it is important we talk
on the phone for us to strenghten some issues.
Awaiting your kind and favourable response.
Regards,
Dr. Elvis
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
Welcome back, and your apology is accepted. In the future, though,
an apology is not required for getting back to me. However, you
will need to apologize for failing to respond in a timely fashion.
There is a flight that leaves Phoenix on Friday, Oct. 11, at
1:21 p.m. and arrives, after connections in Chicago and London,
in Accra, Ghana on Saturday, Oct. 12, at 8:05 p.m. At $4,714 it
seems a bit pricey so before I purchase a ticket I need to be
assured that the larger species of pterosaur is available in Accra.
Pterosaurs vary greatly in size. The smallest, called Anurognathus,
is as tiny as a sparrow. The largest breed, called Quetzalcoatlus,
is huge with a wingspan that covers 50 feet. I am only interested
in photographing and eating the larger breed, which you may have
seen in several movies, including the original 1933 version of
King Kong. In that movie, a large pterosaur tries to carry off
Fay Wray but a giant ape intervenes. Pterosaurs also appeared
in the book Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton, but for some unexplained
reason failed to show up in the movie by Steven Spielberg. I have
attached another photo of a large pterosaur for your convenience.
Please respond promptly about the size of the pterosaurs in Accra
and I will make my flight arrangements. I cannot call you because
my secretary places all my international calls and I want to keep
our business matter confidential.
Brad Christensen
________________________________
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
10/08/02 07:01AM >>>
I am in receipt of your mail and the contents
therein are well noted.Please go ahead and make the travel arrangements
as you suggested. The day and date is ok by me. I had it in good
authority that those species of birds are found in abundant in
Ghana.
As soon as you confirm your flight schedules
to me, I will ask my lawyer to go ahead of me to Ghana to prepare
ground for our meeting. But there is still need for us to talk
on the phone before we can meet in Ghana. Let me have your cell
phone number to enable me call you on the phone. But you can still
have a means to call me without anybody knowing.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Regards,
Dr. Elvis
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
It was absolutely wonderful to hear that large flying pterosaurs
are in abundance in Accra. I was worried because my cousin, who
visited Accra and hated it, said he found no evidence of pterosaurs
there, not even the fossilized variety. I will take you at your
word, however, and I trust I also will find giant canaries in
Accra. Might I suggest that as our first order of business we
conduct an expedition in search of these marvelous creatures?
I am surprised you haven't heard that cell phones emit harmful
radioactive waves which frighten all birds within 70 feet. Therefore
I do not possess one. However, you may contact me at the office
phone listed below my name during regular business hours. Hope
to hear from you soon.
Brad Christensen
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
Please call me at the phone number beneath my name. It is Wednesday
and I would like to make my flight arrangements right away. Otherwise
there will be another delay. I am starting to wonder whether you
are serious about our business proposition.
Brad Christensen
________________________________
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
10/10/02 07:17AM >>>
Dear Brad,
I have been trying to call with the phone number
you gave me since yesterday and even now before l sent you this
mail but all to no avail. Please l will like you to give me a
direct number were l can reach you immediately or you can call
me now with those number l gave you please.
I will not like you miss the flight this time.
Hoping to hear from you soonest.
Dr. Elvis
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
My administrative aide places all my international calls for
me and I cannot let her in on our confidential business partnership.
Please call 30 minutes after you receive this and you will speak
to our receptionist who will put you right through.
Brad Christensen
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
I appreciate your attempts to contact me, but you need to try
calling when somebody is actually here instead of at 6:01 a.m.
Because of your repeated miserable failures to reach me I have
postponed my flight to Ghana. Instead I have scheduled a safari
into the Arizona desert this weekend to locate, photograph, shoot
and broil ostriches. Please make a real effort to call during
normal business hours on Monday and I will reschedule my flight
for next Friday. I am becoming very frustrated with your delays,
Dr. Elvis. Please show me you're serious about our business proposition
by calling at the proper time!
Brad Christensen
________________________________
>>> "Dr. Elvis Anyim" <drelvis@email.com>
10/14/02 01:34AM >>>
Hello,
I have tried as you have said but all still
the same. You can make this quite easy for the both of us by going
to call me from somewhere else so that we can talk and end all
these stress of calling you because it's not easy for me getting
you from my end, but you can get me easily from your end.
Please, the only thing l want you to do so that
we can move to the next step in this transcation for you to call
me since l can not get you. It very important you do that, for
time is no longer on our side anymore so we have to fasten movement
and things. Or you give me another alternative to call you.
Thanks for your understanding.
Dr. Elvis
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
I cannot call you because I do not know how to make international
calls and I do not want to have my staff place the call for me
due to confidentiality concerns. Please try again right now at
the phone number listed below my name. I sincerely hope that my
flight to Ghana will not be delayed again by your unexcusable
inability to place a phone call! Might I suggest that you put
your shoes back on and dial with your fingers this time?
Please excuse me, sir, if I seem a bit terse. It is just that
I have grown tired of your delays and still am exhausted after
a long day Saturday traipsing through the desert in search of
the elusive ostrich. No ostrich was to be found. Exhausted, dehydrated
and a bit dizzy, I eventually came across another marvelous bird,
however. Amazingly, this wonderful creature patiently watched
me while I photographed it for hours (see the attached photos).
Finally the film was gone and I brought it down with 46 rounds
from my trusty BB gun. That's all I remember until Sunday morning
when I awoke in Eloy Medical Center.
All the best,
Brad
Brad Christensen
________________________________
Dear Dr. Elvis:
I have recovered from a nasty bout of heat prostration I suffered
in the Arizona desert and apologize for the insulting tone of
my last e-mail. I have packed my bags and now am ready to fly
to Ghana for what promises to be a marvelous financial opportunity
and gastric experience for both of us, but am awaiting word from
you on several details.
Since neither of us has been able to reach the other over the
telephone, I suggest we finalize our plans through e-mail. I need
to know when you can be in Ghana and whether you will be able
to pick me up at the Accra airport and assist me with my bags.
I also need to know the location of lodgings near the giant canary
and pterosaur sanctuaries and whether barbecue sauce is readily
available in Africa. All the best,
Brad
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